Digest for Sunday, May 27, 2001

There are 10 messages totalling 374 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Circumcision
  2. PNN Breaking News
  3. TODAYS DATE: May 27th, 2004 - Designated Driver Memorial Day Weekend Campaign
  4. Pet diaries
  5. Something To Offend Damn Near Everyone.....
  6. Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous
  7. At the hospital
  8. Can I Have The Day Off?
  9. In the Convent
  10. TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO:


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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 01:53:15 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Circumcision     <male body part mentioned>

Myron's five-year old son came home from Sabbath School.
When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was
quiet for a moment and then said, "Papa, have any of the men
in our family had their penises criticized?"

Myron laughed and told him the term was "circumcised", but
the answer was still yes.

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 05:15:59 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: PNN Breaking News

BREAKING NEWS from PNN.news.com

--  KERRY TO DELAY INAUGURATION; John Kerry announced today that,
in the event he is elected in November, he will delay his scheduled January
inauguration by up to two months. Details to follow...


PNN:
Making you more informed and obnoxious than when you woke up.
************************************************************
 2004 PBen News Network, Inc.   "We say it, you believe it."

_________________________________________________________________
Learn to simplify your finances and your life in Streamline Your Life from
MSN Money. http://special.msn.com/money/0405streamline.armx

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 03:09:28 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: May 27th, 2004 - Designated Driver Memorial Day Weekend Campaign

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!": Designated Driver Memorial Day
Weekend Campaign
When you go out partying during Memorial Day weekend (Thursday through
Monday), make sure to have one friend who will be the designated driver and
not drink. Drive safely.

JOKE:  GENEROUSLY ENDOWED
 A generously endowed young lady at a major university often gets teased by
her sorority sisters for having the biggest, roundest set of boobs they've
ever seen.

 At a fraternity party, she was asked by a young man what she would like to
drink. "Diet soda, please," she replied.

 "Oh, you must be the double D." he said.

 The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged
such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.

 Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly answered, "Oh, you
know -- the designated driver."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

 The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of
the night, drop everyone off at the wrong house.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Louis Gossett Jr (1936); Christopher Lee (1922); Vincent Price
(1911).
Artistic - Herman Wouk, novelist (1915).
Historic - Wild Bill Hickok, American cowboy scout (1837); Hubert H.
Humphrey, former Vice President of the United States (1911); Henry
Kissinger, U.S. Secretary of State (1923);  Cornelius Vanderbilt,
entrepreneur (1794).
Music - Verden "Phally" Allen of Mott the Hoople (1944); Miles Davis, jazz
trumpeter (1926); Levon Helm of Band (1943); Lenny Kravitz (1964); Gerry
Paterson of Guess Who (1945).
Sports -  Jeremy Mayfield, NASCAR driver (1969); Sam Snead, golf champion
(1912).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 05:01:38 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Pet diaries

PET DIARIES UNCOVERED

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at
the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must
try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from
http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 06:29:04 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Something To Offend Damn Near Everyone.....

        Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
  A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
  Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
  A. A different bar

  Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
  A. Sum Ting Wong

  Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
  A. A speech impediment

  Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
  A. They're hiring

  Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
  A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

  Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
  A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


  Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
  A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
      cage.... along with a recipe.
  Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
  A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

  Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
  A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
      A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

  Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
  A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the
United States.

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 03:24:36 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and
during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden
grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it
slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud
scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He
got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold_nosed him on the leg. He thought
the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart
attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on
the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the
man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled_up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was
gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing,
her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling
around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the
neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive
her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store,
saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the
back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it
was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the
woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his
wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went
to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it
down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a
little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and
his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of
the end table that was on one side of the sofa.

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it
started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames
and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who
startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car
swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was
blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire_ truck had
started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising
ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten_square city block area.

Time passed Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re_
built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world_______
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.





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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 06:20:16 -0500
From:    Topolski, Leonard P. <leonard.topolski@LYONDELL-CITGO.COM>
Subject: At the hospital

Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series

of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at

his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back

to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 09:21:58 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Can I Have The Day Off?

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss,"
he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow,
and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 15:49:27 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: In the Convent <may be off. to the religious>

"Good morning, Sister Mary, said Mother Superior. I'm so happy to see
you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a
wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on
the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong?  I
have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have
said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're
wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

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Date:    Thu, 27 May 2004 06:32:27 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO:

   (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
   (9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
   (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
   (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
   (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is, "An apple a
day."
   (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.
   (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is
not a typographical error.
   (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
   (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
   AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:
   (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape


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