Digest for Friday, May 25, 2001

There are 6 messages totalling 359 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Passionate?
  2. Insomniacs
  3. Bad headlines
  4. Military Matters
  5. Incident At The Pool
  6. Proof of ID at Heavens Gate (Maybe offensive to US Replubicans)


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Date:    Fri, 25 May 2001 06:37:59 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Passionate?

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street,
stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink but
instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They load her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets
in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets
they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would slur as
she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate!"

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same
response, "Your Passionate!"

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car
and  said to the woman, "Look, we've driven around this city for
almost an hours and you still haven't told us where you live!
Give us some clue or we'll have no choice but to take you in!"

She replied, a little more clearly, "I been telling you you're
pashin' it,  and still you keep going on by it!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 25 May 2001 05:51:10 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Insomniacs

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A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek
shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two
spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with
the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to
take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there,
complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he
said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief
complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow
that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to
sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning
to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to
sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another
knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there
stood the very indignant cows and pigs.


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Date:    Fri, 25 May 2001 07:23:40 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Bad headlines

* New Vaccine may Contain Rabies

* Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

* Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

* Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

* Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

* Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

* After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

* Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found

* Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Fri, 25 May 2001 11:28:49 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Military Matters

             ! ! ! ! LONG WEEKEND ! ! ! !

Monday, May 28, Memorial Day will be celebrated in the US.
    http://www.rootsweb.com/~nyseneca/memorial.htm
         -----------------------------------


The sergeant was busily keeping track of about 15 aircraft at an
Air Force rescue school in New Mexico when he noticed a paperwork
error in the previous day's report. Sure that that day's duty officer
was at fault, he reported the error to his superior, a crusty
Lieutenant Colonel.
The superior officer kept insisting that the sergeant must be at fault
despite many protests to the contrary. "Sergeant, you just don't get
it, do you?" he finally explained. "I'm not saying you're to blame --
I'm saying we are blaming you!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex
is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Major argues the opposite:
90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party
to arbitrate.
The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty.
They ask him his opinion. He asks them if he could speak freely,
and they tell him to go ahead.
He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's ALL
pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's
would have me doing it!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the
hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe
for travelers."
"Well done.  Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir."
"Excellent my son... I've gotta take a pee, watch the gate,
will ya?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
World War III.  The US has succeeded in building a computer able
to solve any strategic or tactical problem.  Military leaders
are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed
a difficult tactical problem into it.  They describe a hypothetical
situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question:
    Attack or Retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the
answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.  Finally one
of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion.
The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said,
"This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a
flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"
The first 2nd Looey thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir,
I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..."
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental
study and..."
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the
First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front
of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.


**************************
US Marines :
  When you absolutely, positively have to have it destroyed overnight.



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Date:    Fri, 25 May 2001 13:34:25 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Incident At The Pool

Incident at the old swimming pool  by jiM Mica

I'm sure I've mentioned that I swim at the pool at work whenever I can.  The
pool seems to be the exercise venue for the halt and the lame.  Professor Richs
started going there years ago when he hurt himself running.  I go there with my
obesity and diabetes.  And, Dr. Stan has been swimming since he lost the front
end of a foot in a car accident a while back.  Before the accident he was an
ardent runner.

Besides us old coots, the pool also serves as an exercise spot for many
physically and/or emotionally challenged kids.  They get brought to the pool by
their parents and then get to swim under the watchful eye of our physical
therapy students -and their instructors of course.

The strangest thing happened a few weeks back when Dr. Stan and I were leaving
the pool for the showers and a bunch of the young kids were being readied for
their turn in the water.  As we walked by the kids, exchanging pleasantries as
usual, one of the little boys suddenly started screaming!

"Bad foot!" he wailed.  "Man have bad foot!  Bad foot, bad foot, bad foot,
AAAAAARRRRGGHGHGH!!!"

It took several of our college students and their professor to get the kid
calmed down again.  We'd never seen anything like it.

Stan and I went on to the locker room and, a few minutes later, the prof who'd
been working with kids showed up.

"Dr. Stan," he said, " I am truly sorry for that outburst.  The little fellow is
OK now, but that was the worst case of lack-toes intolerance I've ever
encountered."

Stan mumbled in agreement as he pulled his shoes on.

        © by the author, MMI

--
jiM MIca  JMICA@ITHACA.EDU
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their
parents, and everyone is writing a book.
   -Marcus Tullius Cicero(106-43 BCE)

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Date:    Fri, 25 May 2001 19:25:38 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Proof of ID at Heaven's Gate (Maybe offensive to US Replubicans)

Yesterday, I tried to send this, but for some reason, the joke itself
didn't go. (Sorry about that; I really don't know what happened.) The joke
is from from BLAGUES-L, a bilingual joke list. This particular one was in
French. The English translation is by yours truly.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Einstein arrive au Paradis, et    Einstein  arrives  at Heaven, and God
devant  la  porte  d'accès  se    who is in fromt  of  the Pearly Gates
trouve Dieu qui lui demande:      asks him:
- Nom, prénom, profession?        "Last name, first name, profession?"
Einstein répond:                  Einstein replies:
- Einstein, Albert, physicien.    "Einstein, Albert, physicist."
Dieu lui dit:                     God tells him:
- Il y a  beaucoup de personnes   "There a lot of people who have tried
qui  se  sont  fait passer pour   to  pass  themselves  off  as  Albert
Albert  Einstein,  donc  il  me   Einstein, so you'll have to  offer me
faut  une   preuve   de   votre   proof of your real identity."
véritable identité.
- Donnez-moi  un tableau et une   "Give me a chalkboard and  a stick of
craie, dit Einstein.              chalk," says Einstein.
Dieu  claque   des   doigts  et   God  snaps  his  fingers and Einstein
Einstein  se retrouve devant le   is standing in  front of a chalkboard
tableau, sur lequel il  fait la   on which he  does  a  complete demon-
démonstration  complète  de  la   stration of the theory of relativity.
théorie de la Relativité.
Dieu  est  épaté,  et lui donne   God is  impressed  and  lets him into
le droit d'accès.                 Heaven.
Quelques   temps   plus   tard,   Some time later,  Picasso is in front
Picasso  se  pointe  devant  la   of the Pearly Gates.
porte du Paradis.
Dieu s'adresse à lui:             God says to him:
- Nom, prénom, profession?        "Last name, first name, profession?"
- Picasso, Pablo, artiste.        "Picasso, Pablo, artist."
- Il  y a beaucoup de personnes   "There are  a  lot of people who have
qui  se  sont  fait passer pour   tried  to  pass   themselves  off  as
Picasso,  donc  comme  Einstein   Picasso,  so,  like Einstein,  you'll
l'a  fait, donnez une preuve de   have  to  prove  you  are who you say
votre véritable identité.         you are."
Picasso  demande  une  toile et   Picasso  requests  a  canvas and some
des  pinceaux,  Dieu claque des   brushes.  God  snaps  his fingers and
doigts,  et Picasso  refait une   Picasso reproduces one  of  his  most
de   ses   plus  belles  toiles   beautiful blue period canvases.
période bleue.
Dieu le  félicite, et lui donne   God  congratulates  him  and lets him
le droit de passage.              in.
Bien plus tard,  George W. Bush   Later  still,  George  W.  Bush is at
se  pointe  au  Paradis et, est   Heaven's gate  and  is stopped by God
arrêté  par   Dieu,   qui   lui   who asks him:
demande:
- Nom, prénom, profession?        "Last name, first name, profession?"
- Bush,  Georges,  ex-président   "Bush,  George,  ex-president  of the
des Etats-Unis.                   United States."
- Ok, fait Dieu,  mais beaucoup   "OK," says God,  "but there have been
de  personnes   se   sont  fait   a  lot  of  people  who have tried to
passer  pour  Georges  W. Bush,   pass  themselves  off  as  George  W.
donc comme l'ont  fait Einstein   Bush,  so,  just  like  Einstein  and
et  Picasso,  il  me  faut  une   Picasso,  you'll  have to offer proof
preuve de votre identité.         of your real identity."
Bush le regarde et lui demande:   Bush looks at Him and asks:
- C'est qui Einstein et Picasso?  "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Et Dieu lui répond:               And God relpies:
- C'est  bon  Georges,  tu peux   "Very good, George!  You can go right
rentrer.....                      in...."


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