Digest for Thursday, May 24, 2001

There are 6 messages totalling 342 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Going Shopping
  2. A HELPING HAND
  3. Signage Problem
  4. Monks of the Amazon
  5. Soldiers And Sailors
  6. Fwd: BLAGUES-L:_Preuve_didentité_au_Paradis (Proof of ID at Heavens Gate)


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Date:    Thu, 24 May 2001 04:41:35 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Going Shopping

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On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store
about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a
"The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.

The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he
asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"



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Date:    Thu, 24 May 2001 06:04:03 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: A HELPING HAND

One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his
farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an
anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of
chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases
home?

The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She
asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township
Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there
in no time"

The little old lady said:  "How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
ravish me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Buy some velcro gloves, and get a grip!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 24 May 2001 07:23:43 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Signage Problem

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he
graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to
have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a
kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic
entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply.
He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his
clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it
out for himself.

One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small
wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word
psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read

                   Psycho-
                    the-
                   rapist.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 24 May 2001 10:55:49 -0500
From:    chaps <cpoduri@NIC-CONQUEST.COM>
Subject: Monks of the Amazon <clean>

Paul wanted to get away from it all, so he set off to explore the world.
After having a fine time in Europe, and a couple of months in Spain, he
ended up in the Amazon. He wandered around for a few weeks, and then decided
to really explore it. He walked for miles and miles, eating fruit and any
animals he could catch, and getting happily lost. He did have a slight
run-in with a crocodile, but he managed to escape, and carried on. He found
a stunningly beautiful area and set up home there for a while, building a
nice home out of wood, and learning skills that he never deemed he would.
After living in his home for 3 months, he was beginning to feel lonely, so
he headed off again.

This time he made progress, following the river along, and moving quickly to
find some companionship. He ate well, catching fish, but the fish were no
good at conversation, so he soon got desperately bored.

After a couple of weeks, he saw a large building. He went an knocked on the
door, and a monk opened it.

"Hello" said the monk (Monks are know for being friendly, and saying
'hello')

"Hello," said Paul, "I'm Paul"

"Do come in Paul, our Monastery is your Monastery, any thing you want, just
ask, but we are about to have dinner, won't you join us?"

"I'd love to" said Paul.

Dinner was a feast the likes of which Paul had never seen. The wine was
beautiful, and Paul hadn't had any alcohol for many months, and he ate like
a pig. After dinner, with all the alcohol flowing through his blood stream,
Paul needed some sleep. The monk showed him to his room, and Paul slept like
a baby.

The next morning, Paul awoke feeling like a new man. He couldn't find one,
so he settled for a monk(!) The Monk said "If you want anything at all,
please just ask".

"OK, I will have a think about that" said Paul

"Really," said the monk, "It would be a pleasure for us to supply you with
anything that your heart desires".

Paul spent the next few days enjoying the food and wine, and going with the
Monks to pray, and then, having had plenty of time to think about it, he had
a quiet word with the Monk.

"Can you really supply me with anything I desire?" asked Paul.

"Anything at all, you name it, and we will get it for you."

"OK, if you are sure," Said Paul, "I would love a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7
candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat"

"Let me get this right," said the Monk, "You want a hair-dryer, a Macintosh,
7 candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?"

"Please," said Paul, "And a white sheep, not a black one, if that is OK?" "A
white sheep? OK, No problem, but it might take a little time"

The next 8 days went by with good food, good wine, good prayers, and no
sheep, etc.

On the ninth day, the Monk went up to Paul, and said "Well, it was hard
work, but we have got you a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white
sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat, they are all in your
room."

"That is GREAT" said Paul, "I will go and check them all now."

An hour later, he found the monk, and said "I am sorry to trouble you, but
the hairdryer doesn't have a 'cold-air' option, is it possible to change
it?"

"Of course it is" said the monk, who wandered off muttering something about
'not being a bloody Argos store'.

The next day, Paul found a new hair-dryer outside his door, with a cold
option. He was ecstatic. The Monks didn't see much of Paul for the next few
weeks, but they heard some very odd noises from his room.

After a month or so, Paul announced to the Monk that he really ought to
think about heading home.

"OK, well thank you for visiting us." Said the Monk.

"I shall miss you all, you have been so kind to me, treating me like a long
lost son, feeding me, supplying everything that I desire, how can I ever
repay you?" Paul asked the Monk.

"Well, there is one thing" said the Monk, "I would love to know why you
wanted a hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white
sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?"

"Oh, the hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white
sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat? well, can you keep a
secret?"

"Yes I can." said the monk.

And he did.

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Thu, 24 May 2001 12:29:43 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Soldiers And Sailors

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group
of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the good. Private Bradley will be setting the pace on
our morning run."
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Bradley was
overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant
finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Bradley will be driving a truck."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A  military pilot calling ugently called Air Traffic Control
for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked " His one engine was shutting down.
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two behind a B-52 bomber that had one of his eight engines
shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: What do Marines and bananas have in common?
A: They both start out green, turn yellow, and die in bunches.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Having passed the enlistment physical, he was asked by the doctor,
"Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh?  And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street
and was looking for something there. Soon two other sailors came
over and asked him:
"Hey, bud, what are you looking for?"
"You better give me a hand, men," said the drunk.
The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching
something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and
exclaimed: "I've found it!"
"What did you find?"
"The shore... ."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there
any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear,"
and then another voice... "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone
and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around
on an important radio link.  When he had finished, there was silence
for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing
about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and
fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp
I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked
sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest
with a single grenade.
"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We
pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the
Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small
arms fire.
"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat
tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for
14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under
sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight,
we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then
we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all
shore duty, huh?"


***********************
"We are not retreating; we are advancing in another direction."
        - General Douglas MacArthur


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Date:    Thu, 24 May 2001 22:16:47 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Fwd: BLAGUES-L:_Preuve_d'identité_au_Paradis (Proof of ID at Heaven's
         Gate)

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Auctions - buy the things you want at great prices
http://auctions.yahoo.com/

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