Digest for Wednesday, May 23, 2001

There are 7 messages totalling 392 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Moving-Day Tips
  2. Fishing
  3. PMS.....
  4. Preparation for the Hereafter
  5. Barbie Humor
  6. The Thoughts of Children
  7. dead specialist


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Date:    Wed, 23 May 2001 06:16:25 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Moving-Day Tips <adult>

The Onion presents:  Moving-Day Tips

Moving can be a major hassle, but with proper planning, it doesn't have to
be.  Here are some tips to make your next move as smooth as possible:

To avoid breakage, glass items should be melted down, then re-blown after
moving into your new home.

Six weeks before moving day, fill one small box with books, seal it tightly,
and write "books" on top in permanent marker.  Then do nothing more until
the day before your move.

If using friends to help move, show your gratitude by buying them a pizza.
Don't mention that a professional mover would have cost about 300 times more
than a pizza.

It is heartless and cruel to leave a pet at the humane society because of a
move.  Smother it in the bathtub and bag it up for trash day.

Throw smoke grenades into every room of your new home to flush out any
possible Viet Cong.

Get a jump on things by cancelling electricity and water service several
weeks before moving.

Move to Portland.  It's a really cool city.  They've got all these awesome
parks downtown.

Waiting until the truck is pulling away to say goodbye to neighbors will
make moving day a very moving day, indeed.

Instead of writing "Fragile" on boxes containing breakables, place a copy of
Yes' Fragile on top.

Let professional movers take care of large, heavy items such as furniture
and my cock.

Boxes are an unnecessary expense. Place all possessions in the truck and
fill to top with packing peanuts.

Don't get too excited when you see a U-Haul truck that says "Moves Only
$19.99" on the side.  These signs are only intended as a joke.

After relocating to your new home, remember that you are legally obligated
to go door-to-door informing your new neighbors that you are a convicted sex
offender.

Rushing the previous tenants out of the apartment you're moving into is a
great way to score free toiletries.

For the love of God, don't ever move.

 Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 23 May 2001 05:56:20 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Fishing

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two
buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them
swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets,
and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll
show you. It really works."

"Okay. I've got to see this!" the game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several
minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

 "Well, what?" the man responded.
  "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

 "Call who back?" the man asked.

 "The FISH."

 "What fish?" the man asked.

 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Japanese say Americans are lazy. HA! We COOK our fish!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Wed, 23 May 2001 07:02:27 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: PMS.....

 TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

 ~ Pass My Shotgun
 ~ Psychotic Mood Shift
 ~ Perpetual Munching Spree
 ~ Puffy Mid-Section
 ~ People Make Me Sick
 ~ Provide Me with Sweets
 ~ Pardon My Sobbing
 ~ Pimples May Surface
 ~ Pass My Sweatpants
 ~ Pissy Mood Syndrome
 ~ Plainly Men Suck
 ~ Pack My Stuff
 ~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome


 Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house
    knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know the bulb is
    BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they
    figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to
    find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
    CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle,
    actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER the chair they dragged to stand on to
    change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
    UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME
    IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER
    WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET
    DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
    CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!.....I'm sorry.....what did you ask me???

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Date:    Wed, 23 May 2001 06:22:30 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Preparation for the Hereafter

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
--------------7223B3BD1C3E7422334932A6
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit



--------------7223B3BD1C3E7422334932A6
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii;
 name="will.txt"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Content-Disposition: inline;
 filename="will.txt"

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make
Out a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well,
I knew you were going to take the biggest slice,
but I would like to leave a little to my children
too!"


--------------7223B3BD1C3E7422334932A6--

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Date:    Wed, 23 May 2001 07:22:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Barbie Humor

Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some
women suggested.  However, some say it is high time for her to get
in touch with the modern times.  Here are some suggestions for a
modern Barbie, a Barbie for the new millennium.

Birkenstock Barbie
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable
sandals.  Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie
Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Blue Collar Barbie
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW member-
ship, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as
compared to men.  Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be
purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to
make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves
Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with
spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed
diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about
their bodies in a friendly, non threatening way.  Accessories such
as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at
various stages of development and breast pump are all optional.
After all, each young woman has the right to do what she chooses
with her own Barbie.

Home girl Barbie
A Truly fly Barbie in midriff baring shirt and baggy jeans.
Complete with gold jewelry, hip hop accessories and plenty of
attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't THINK so!",
"Dang, get outta my face" and "you GO girl!"  Teaches girls not
to take sh*t from men and condescending white people.

Transgender Barbie
Formerly known as G.I. Joe

Robotic Barbie
Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two legged walking
machine!  After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard.
Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy
belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is
also beautiful.  Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls,
Bucket-O'-Fried-Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut coffee ring, a
brick of Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt
reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an appetite.

America's Most Wanted Barbie  She's on the run after 30 years of
crimes against feminism!

Oprah Barbie
Push a button on her back and she actually speaks!  Hold your very
own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear
Barbie's clothes.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 23 May 2001 09:17:17 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Thoughts of Children <recreation>

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report.  "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"

  =============================

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?"  he asked.
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"

  ==============================

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"

 ===============================

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

 ===============================

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that  nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said. "Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnnn...and into the
hole you goooo."

 ================================

To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic
Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks
display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about three
years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware
only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over,
the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."

 ===================================

My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old,
Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father
appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I  don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

  ===============================

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless
hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she
smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot,
sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked
at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that
ate roast beef."

 ===================================

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.
Early the next morning, our 3 1/2 -year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us
up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering
us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he
exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells- and they all work."

 ===================================

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my
time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they
won't let me talk!"

 ===================================

One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter.
A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What
happened?" my mother asked. "I just fooled the people at the post office.
When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying
any stamps."

 ==================================

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of
her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom
wearing black?"

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Date:    Wed, 23 May 2001 07:39:01 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: dead specialist <adult>

  A heart specialist doctor died and it is the day of his funeral.

  The coffin sits in front of a huge heart. When the pastor
  finished with the sermon and after everyone said their
  good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside
  and the heart closed. What a beautiful way to go.

  Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

  The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

  I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

  "What's so funny about that?"

  "I'm a gynecologist!"

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