Digest for Friday, May 18, 2001

There are 10 messages totalling 668 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. An Alien Invasion
  2. COW FROM MINSK
  3. A Guide to Netiquette
  4. The Proctologist
  5. Mathematics
  6. You Might Be a Redneck If... Part 2
  7. bRANE stILL worKING
  8. BUZZWORDS of 2001
  9. Redneck Humor -
  10. gallery


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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 03:01:54 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An Alien Invasion

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The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the
Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself,
"there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news
first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another
planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."


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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 05:22:13 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: COW FROM MINSK

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow
for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people
were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows
like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise,
what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from
the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she
backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other
side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow
from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had
gotten the cow.

"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 06:28:55 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: A Guide to Netiquette

Lesson 2: Message boards and chatrooms

MESSAGE BOARDS are popular places for people with common interests, such as
gardening or plush animal fetishes, to post questions or comments about
their hobby.  Unfortunately, without the vocal tones or facial expressions
we use to give context to our conversation, it's easy to misunderstand the
spirit of a written message.  A good example can be seen in the posting
below.  Can you see where the writer might be misunderstood?

From: Tuvok01
To: SithLord12
Re: ST vs. SW

        Why don't you get a clue what you're talking about before
        posting your asanine drivel, you might look less like a idiot.
        First of all, NO, A STAR DESTROYER COULD NOT DEFEAT
        A GALAXY CLASS STAR TREK VESSEL, because (try to
        follow this, pinhead—I know it's hard to wrap your tiny
        closed little mind around a FACT, but try) lasers of ANY
        sort (even Quad Laser cannons) don't affect navigational
        shields at all!  Picard very clearly states this in "The
        Outrageous Okona."  Period.  End of sentence.  And by
        the way, if you really think that "high warp drive is the same
        as hyperspace" (!!!) then you are more of a pathetic brain
        damaged subhuman mongoloid than I thought.  why don't
        you ask your mommy to read you the Star Wars Technical
        Journal when she gets a break from acting in her latest
        porn video.  You are a MORON and you are worse than
        HITLER.  You would have made a good Nazi, do you know
        that?  Why don't you do the world a favor and goosestep
        into the nearest river.  You're mentally deranged.  Get
        help, you sick scumbag.

ANSWER: Although Tuvok01 no doubt means to compliment SithLord12 with his
comparison to a famous historical leader, he should remember that not
everyone approved of Hitler's policies and philosophy, and a comparison to
Hitler could be quite insulting to some people!  No doubt, however,
SithLord12 will understand the good intentions in this posting, especially
when he sees the concern that Tuvok01 shows for his mental health.

Chat rooms are the new way to socialize.  People of all ages enjoy getting
together online to "talk" to each other by typing messages in "real time."
Some chat rooms focus on a hobby like scuba diving or twelve-step groups,
while others are places to enjoy general chat with gay men.  But don't let
the informal atmosphere of chat rooms fool you—there are rules to chatting,
and if you don't know them, you'll soon find yourself getting the cold
shoulder.  Take a look at this example of a discussion on "Jeffersonian
Ideology and the Fall of Federalism" in the American History chatroom and
see if you can tell where someone went wrong.

seXyMaMa:               heyyyyyy
JelloGirl:              lol seXy
Rescue911:              any cute girls in here with pics…p2p me

big1 has entered the room.

SeXyMaMa:               heyyyyyyyyy Jelloooooooooooooooooooooooo
loverboy25:             any sexy ladies in here with pics
slingshot:              hey hey hey
JelloGirl:              lmao
lady4u:         lol jello
loverboy25:             if so p2p me

dawg57 has left the room.

bustty:         HELLO
seXyMaMa:               heehee
big1:                   hi any girls wanna chat p2p me
bootycall69:            ANY LADIES WANT TO CHAT 2 A BLOND BLUE EYES SEXY 20
JelloGirl:              lmao seXy…
MissKitty:              hello hello hello
big1:                   any ladies wanna chat w/30m? p2p me
lady4u:         rofl jello

ANSWER: This was a trick question!  Everyone is using perfect manners in
this chatroom.  The only thing I would do differently is to use "lmfao"
instead of "lmao" as JelloGirl has done.  "lmao" means, of course, "let's
manufacture an ocarina," but what JelloGirl probably meant to say was "look,
my friend, an ocelot!"

Now you're ready to start chatting in chatrooms and posting on message
boards.  Keep these simple rules in mind to make it a great Web experience
for everyone: 1. Give your name, address, and telephone number to anyone who
asks for it.  2. If you're a cute girl with a pic, always chat with a 30m
blonde blue.  3. Be honest!  If someone's being an idiot, tell him or her
so—you'll be doing them a favor!

Happy chatting!

Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 07:24:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Proctologist

This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a
really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue
after class at medical school and practice a little. Well, he
uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt!

He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out...and music
starts playing!

". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road
again...".

Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue
attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the  cork out again,  ". . . On the
road again ...."

The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy
asks.

"Are you kidding?" says the morgue attendant, "Any asshole can
sing country music!"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 07:29:20 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Mathematics

 Smart man + smart woman = romance
 Smart  man + dumb woman = affair
 Dumb man + smart woman =  marriage
 Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


 SHOPPING MATH

 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


 GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

 A woman worries about the future until she gets a  husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he  gets a wife.
 A successful man is one who makes more  money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one  who can find such a man.


 HAPPINESS

 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
 little.
 To be happy with a  woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
 understand  her at all.


 MEMORY

 Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in  two people
 remembering the same thing.


 APPEARANCE

 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


 PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he  doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't  change, and she does.> >


 DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 08:23:06 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: You Might Be a Redneck If...      Part 2   <off. to Elmer and Verna>

You trim your beard and find a French fry.

You use a piece of bread as a napkin.

You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.

Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".

Your car alarm eats dog food.

Your car burns more oil than gas.

Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

Your horse can count higher than you.

Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard.

Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.

You view duct tape as a long-term investment.

You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.

You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work.

Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

You've ever stolen a bulldozer.

All of your four-letter words are two syllables.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You think women are turned on by animal sounds.

You think women are turned on by tongue gestures.

A man lights your cigarette and you show him your bra.

You have to dress the kids up to go to Wal*Mart.

You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister.

You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.

You know how many bales of hay your car can hold.

You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.

You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong.

Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend's tattoo.

Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to-school
clothes for the kids.

You've ever had sex in a satellite dish.

Your sister's child looks just like you.

You've ever given rat traps as a gift.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater.

The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice.

You fainted when you saw Slim Whitman.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.


**********************
"Get yer pappy a nice glass o' moonshine fer his dinner, woodja?"


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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 10:31:32 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: bRANE   stILL  worKING

Once upon a time there lived a king.  The
king had a beautiful daughter.

Everything the girl touched, would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood, plastic etc.
Everything she touched would melt!
Because of this, men were afraid of her and
nobody would dare to marry her.

One day a wizard told the king: "If your
daughter touches one thing that would not
melt in her hands, her symptom will be
cured."

The king was overjoyed.  The next day, he
held a competition, any man that can bring
her daughter an object that would not melt,
gets to marry her and inherit the King's
wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond,
thinking that diamond is the hardest and
will not melt.  But alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted!  The prince went away
sadly.

The second prince brought a very hard alloy
but the same thing happened, so he also
went away.

The third prince told the princess: "Put your
hand in my pocket and feel it."

The princess did as told, though turning red.
Tada!  It didn't melt!!!

The king was overjoyed!  And, the third prince
lived happily with the princess ever after....

Question: What was the object?

(Scroll down for the answer)

//
\\
//
\

I know what you are thinking!
It must be something hard!!  It must be
something enjoyable!!!

Nope, it's not what you're thinking!  Wrong!

And the answer is.......
//                      //
\\                      \\
//                      //
\\                      \\



It was M&M Chocolate - Because it melts
in your mouth and not in your hand!

But, anyway, I like the way you think....
 """"
 indeed
 I
 DO
     *grin*

            ------------ ```````--------------
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
         http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew
               my home lies within
          --------------``````-----------------

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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 11:09:45 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: BUZZWORDS of 2001

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the
couch potato.

SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage)
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of
them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in
divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed
out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: an ATM or credit card that has been rendered
useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from
extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's
shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck
out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to
reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For
instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves
simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key,
the Return Key and the Power On Key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out at
ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal, 'We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps!

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 13:18:27 -0500
From:    Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Redneck Humor - <off to Minnesotans>

And still one more list of redneck humor - in this case, NorthCentral
redneckisms.
================
You Know You're from Northern Minnesota, eh, When...

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has 'Ammo' on her Christmas list.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your father executes the 'Pull my finger' trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your brother made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

Your richest relative buys a new house and asks for help to take the wheels
off.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You missed YOUR 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them
out to see what it is.

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Date:    Fri, 18 May 2001 08:51:23 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: gallery<clean>

I asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in
my paintings on display there.

"I have good news and bad news," the told me. "The good
news is that a gentleman was very impressed with your
waterfowl paintings and inquired about your work.  He
asked if I thought it would appreciate in value after your
death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings."

"That's wonderful," I said. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

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