Digest for Saturday, May 12, 2001

There are 9 messages totalling 555 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Puns of the Weak 5/11/01
  2. This is FUNNY......
  3. The Loss of a Foot
  4. Trading Insults?
  5. Keep on bashing economists
  6. Another "PERSONALITY TEST"
  7. Barbecuing
  8. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet
  9. TEMPTING the weatHER...hi maw; HMD !!!!!!


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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 01:26:03 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak  5/11/01

•Today is May the 4th. So, May the fourth be with you!  (Matt Blaisdell)
•A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. (Pun of the Day)
•His favorite pastime was to throw a German Mauser pistol into a pile of
discarded coffee dregs and then sing in a rich baritone voice, “Mauser’s
in the cold, cold grounds.” (Les Dawson)
•Wise-Crack : A comedian with a PHD. (Gunthar Saran)
•Have you heard about the downhill skier who was an exhibitionist? They
arrested him for in-descent exposure. (Richard Lederer)
•Divorce: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
•The streetwalker bought a bicycle. Now she's peddling it all over town.
•Zits are a part of pop culture. (Scot Nelson)
•As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. (David C. Mortensen)
•After investigating the greenhouse plot, two detectives were accused of
planting evidence. (Merlyn Baby)
•Venereal Disease: The high cost of loving (Stan Kegel)
•The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will  you give me
a ring?" "Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
•I went to see our doctor last week. I was coughing and sneezing. He
said, “Flu?” I said, “No, I came on the bus.” (Les Dawson)
•Headline: Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based (Scott Adams)
•Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
•Pepsi: An ocean which boosts your energy levels. (Tim Bruening)
•If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty,
because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.  (Geoff Tibballs)
•Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. (G. K. Chesterton)
•Saw makers losing money have to make lots of cuts  (Pun of the Day)
•Have you heard about the new airline for old people? Its called
Incontinental.   (Richard Lederer)
•Did you hear about the fire at the clock factory? Nobody died but
several people suffered from second hand smoke.  (Gary Hallock)
•A budget is an attempt to live below your yearnings.   (Henny Youngman)
•"I'm a mathematician," Tom added summarily.(Richard Lederer)
•The name of the other team was Devil’s Advocate. “They always win,” he
said, “I hate to play Devil’s Advocate!” (Snoopy/ Charles M. Schulz)
•What do you call a smart clock? Clockwise (Amanda)
•When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was
about time.  (Art. Moger)
•July: Didn’t you tell the truth? (Leonard Fechtner)
•Mainlining: Vein Pursuit (M. Rose Pierce)
•"The fire's going out!"  Tom bellowed greatly. (Richard Lederer)
•Taxidermist: A man who knows his stuff (Robert Meyers)
•A smart man covers his butt, a wise man simply leaves his pants on.
•Her walnut loaf is dated (Alan F. G. Lewis)
•Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eeking out a living at a local pet store. (Richard W. O'Bryan)
•Show me a football player with keen intuition and I'll show you a
hunchback.  (Gill Krebs)
•Clothes Hanger: What the airport worker does to keep the planes dry
•Metronome: A tiny New York bus driver (Stan Kegel)
•Charter flights to nudist colonies are the only ones which include a
takeoff on landing.   (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
•He was often breaking into song but couldn't find the key (Pun of the Day)
•Have you heard about the successful burlesque queen? She outstripped
all her competitors.   (Richard Lederer)
•Jesus Saves. Moses Invests.  (Henny Youngman)
•Cigarette lighters were given as prizes to tennis players who won a
match. (Bob Weaver)
•Have you heard about the new computer screen that fixes itself? It's a
Christian Science monitor. (Cascade Express)
•When a college dormitory exploded, a lot of roomers were flying.
•The well-dressed gentleman with scuffed shoes lacked polish. (Jumble)
•Have you heard about the woman who wore atomic dresses? They were
mostly fallout.  (Richard Lederer)
•When checking for gas leaks, always remember to use SAFETY MATCHES to
prevent accidents. (Lawrence Brotherton)
•One good turn gets most of the blankets.  (Andy Chap)
•Malaria: Several Shopping Centers close to each other (Stan Kegel)
• A couple of ambulance drivers are a paramedics. (Pun of the Day)
•Paying for college is often a matter of in-tuition. (Pun of the Day)
•Did you hear about the college professor who was involved in a terrible
car wreck?  He was grading papers on a curve. (Jack R. Kiser)
•The multilevel marketing of the first calculator-watches was a huge
success as so many people were eager to take a well-calculated wrist.
•Roy Rogers was Trigger-happy. (Phil Gardner)
•A classical music station invited listeners to fax their requests with
the caution, “If it ain’t baroque, don’t fax it.” (Steve Hammer)
•What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car in it, man!  (Syman Hirsch)
•In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates? (Doug Aiken)
•Scurvy: Description of a winding road (Brandi Brandon)
•When Ramses ascended to the throne of Egypt, what movie actress’s name
did he cry out? Mia Farrow (Ben Warner)
•When a duck is feeling down he might just be happy. (Archives)
•Having children is a heir raising experience.  (Pun American News)
•My friend asked my to pony up $200 for an investment scheme, but I said
neigh. (Scott Nelson)
•Conscience is a faults alarm. (John S. Crosbie)
•Show me a jittery monarch and I'll show you a nervous rex. (Gill Krebs)
•"Your embroidery is sloppy," Tom needled cruelly.(Richard Lederer)
•Have you heard about the urologist who was sued for malpractice? He was
tried before a jury of his pee'ers.   (Richard Lederer)
•Every time I think of a caterpillar, I get a worm fuzzy feeling  (Gary Hallock)
•As the X-Ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with a
former patient, a co-worker Nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to
her,  "Wonder what she saw in him?" (Jo Ann Klein, R. N.)
•Weathercocks are vain creatures.  (The Pundit)
•X-Ray:  Ramona before the sex-change operation.  (Keith Martin)
•As they say in Monopoly, “You can’t win a mall.” (John S. Crosbie)
•Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. It will be a great trade (E4Fun)
•Dim Sum: What you get when your calculator batteries run low. (Ben Werner)
•Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. (John Nunley)
•My friend says his dog goes down the road a mile every day to pick up
the mail but that seems a little far-fetched. (Bob Sickels)

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 06:20:33 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: This is FUNNY......

                       The "REAL MEN" Test


 Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C"
       to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing
       the responses so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich
       their own lives.


 1.  Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth and you
     are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
     friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly
     sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing
     an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty and
     permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire
     Earth.

 You decide to:

 A.  Present it to the President of the United States.
 B.  Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
 C.  Take it apart.


 2.  As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
     miss the most?

 A.  Innocence.
 B.  Idealism.
 C.  Cherry bombs.


 3.  When is it okay to kiss another male?

 A.  When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
     narrow-minded social conventions.
 B.  When he is the Pope.  (Not on the lips.)
 C.  When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
     really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons,
     you have to have him killed.

 4.  In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

 A.  A cat.
 B.  A dog.
 C.  A dog that eats cats.

 5.  You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
     intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
     Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a
     football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the
     clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but,
     she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
     relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
     get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
     future together. What do you say?

 A.  That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
     don't want to rush it.
 B.  That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
     honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
     commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
 C.  That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
     seventeen.


 6.  Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
     spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the
     sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

 A.  You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
 B.  You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name and
     when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair
     and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
 C.  Tell her what?


 7.  One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
     get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
     is:

 A.  "Do they need to eat or anything?"
 B.  "They're in school already?"
 C.  "There are three of them?"


 8.  When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

 A.  When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed new holes
     so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
     your legs.
 B.  When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
     has to be handled with tweezers.
 C.  It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
     the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names,
     (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his
      underwear.


 9.  What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
     fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
     before they finally got to the Promised Land?

 A.  He was being tested.
 B.  He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
     finally got there.
 C.  He refused to ask for directions.


 10.  What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

 A.  Democracy.
 B.  Religion.
 C.  Remote control.

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 07:08:31 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Loss of a Foot

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A woman was not feeling well.. so she visited her
doctor. The good doctor, after giving her a
thorough examination, said grimly, "Mrs. Goode,
I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to
get well again you would have to lose a foot."

"What!??! You mean my foot has to be amputated?"

no..." replied the good doctor, "I mean you have
to lose a foot from around your waistline!"


--------------0A92DE8F3003F2131658A0C7--

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 09:30:12 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Trading Insults?

A man needs to get an artificial eye due to a work injury.  The
eye doctor shows him a glass eye and a wooden eye.  He can only
afford the wooden eye so he buys it.

He is embarrassed to have a wooden eye and doesn't socialize, but
he hears of a handicap dance and decides that he would risk going.
Surely no one would make fun of him at this dance since they have
disabilities too.

When he gets to the dance he sees a beautiful young lady with a
peg leg that no one has asked to dance.  He walks up to her and
says, "Would you like to dance?"

She replies, "Would I?!"

Shocked and angered, he yells back at her, "PEG LEG!!!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 18:13:13 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Keep on bashing economists <off. to South Dakota>

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to
live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in
South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? Answer
of the doctor: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

-------

Two economists meet on the street. One inquires, "How's your
wife?" The other responds, "Relative to what?"

-----

I asked an economist for her phone number....and she gave me an
estimate

--------

Two economists sit down to play chess. They study the board for
24 hours and declare a stale-mate.

-------

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 10:29:45 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Another "PERSONALITY TEST"

THE OREO PERSONALITY TEST


Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their
personalities. Choose which method best describes your
favorite method of eating Oreos:

  1. The whole thing all at once.
  2. One bite at a time.
  3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of
     each bite afterwards.
  4. In little feverish nibbles.
  5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
  6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
  7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
  8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
  9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with
some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No
one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4
billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way.
Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not
to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very
tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail
with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive
and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if
you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverish nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get
your work done quickly. You always have a million things to
do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and
suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you
good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up
beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and
rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total
denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a
propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have
a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking
things apart to find out how they work, though not always
able to put them back together, so you destroy all the
evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when
things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit
deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You
are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take
what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy,
selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be
ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got
yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from
small furry animals and seek professional medical help -
immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice
things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular
and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things
have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a
prim.

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 10:27:00 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Barbecuing

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing:  It's the only type of cooking a
"real" man will do.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain
of events is put into motion.

 (1) The woman goes to the store.

 (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

 (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a
      tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it
      to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking beer.

 (4) The man places the meat on the grill.

 (5) The woman goes in side to set the table and check the
      vegetables.

 (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
      burning.

 (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
      woman.

 (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

 (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".
      And upon seeing her annoyed reaction concludes that there
      is just no way of pleasing some women!

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 17:21:41 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

A Knight's Tale:  Heath Ledger pretends to be nobility with his skill in
jousting.  Couldn't he just act like an idiot?

Ronnie Biggs:  The Great Train Robber returns after 35 years on the lam.
That's the lure of English food and weather.

The Mummy Returns:  It made a record-breaking $68.1 million its opening
weekend.  It's a pyramid scheme.

Tony nominations:  Mel Brooks' The Producers got 15 of them.  One for each
religious or ethnic group it offended.

Tina Wesson:  The 40-year-old mom won Survivors million-dollar prize.  Think
she'll spend any of it on rice?

Timothy McVeigh:  Would airing his execution be in poor taste?  Only if it
were followed by singing and dancing.

T-ball:  George W. Bush had a miniature baseball field built on the South
Lawn.  Now he wants them to make an Oval Office tree house.

Donna Hanover:  The wife of New York City's mayor doesn't want him bringing
his mistress home.  What a nag.

P. Diddy:  He loves J. Lo the way Sinatra loved Ava Gardner.  A
misogynistic, barefoot-and-pregnant, '50s sort of way.

Commencement:  Speakers answer the question "What do students have to do to
make their mark on the world?"  Be born wealthy and have lots of family
connections.

Canceled:  Bette Midler has nixed her proposed book about the unmaking of
her TV show.  She'll just have to fall back on her movie, recording, and
concert careers.

Driver distractions:  Forget car phones-—what about those flashing blue
lights and those noisy sirens behind me?

Out of sync:  A Phoenix concert starring REO Speedwagon, Kansas, and
Steppenwolf had to be canceled after fewer than 400 tickets sold.  That
many?

Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook - Travel:  How to go over a waterfall,
how to get through Third World customs, how to shred your passport and stay
home.

People's 50 Most Beautiful People:  I only missed it by 5,999,999,949.

--------------------------------
Copyright © 2001 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

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Date:    Sat, 12 May 2001 17:56:57 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: TEMPTING the weatHER...hi maw; HMD !!!!!!

TELLING THE WEATHER
---------------------

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the
dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably
windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the
dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Cat

------------ ```````--------------
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
         http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew
               my home lies within
          --------------``````-----------------

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