Digest for Thursday, May 10, 2001

There are 8 messages totalling 442 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Gilligan
  2. Application For A Spot In "Trailer Heaven, A Planned Community"
  3. Political joke of Yesteryear
  4. The Harmonica Player
  5. The Pope on a plane
  6. Survey Says...
  7. new nerve
  8. The Millionaire


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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 05:40:33 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Gilligan

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There
is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized.

The Island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to
be there, yet none are able to leave.

Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her
looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any
of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and
read this...I never thought of this show in this manner! ANGER - he
violently hits Gilligan on each show.

This leaves Gilligan.

Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by
foiling all of their escape plots.

Also, it is HIS Island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy?

He does wear red in every episode.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   And the Devil said to God, But where will *you* find a
lawyer?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 07:16:41 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Application For A Spot In "Trailer Heaven, A Planned Community"

   Name: ________________
   (_) Billy-Bob
   (_) Billy-Joe
   (_) Billy-Ray
   (_) Billy-Sue
   (_) Billy-Mae
   (_) Billy-Jack
   (_) Billy-Jefferson
   (Check appropriate box)

   Age: ____
   Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
   Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

   Occupation:
   (_)Farmer
   (_)Mechanic
   (_)Hair Dresser
   (_)Un-employed

   Spouse's Name: __________________________

   Relationship with spouse:
   (_) Sister
   (_) Brother
   (_) Aunt
   (_) Uncle
   (_) Cousin
   (_) Mother
   (_) Father
   (_) Son
   (_) Daughter
   (_) Pet

   Number of children living in household: ___

   Number that are yours: ___

   Mother's Name: _______________________

   Father's Name: _______________________ (If not  sure, leave blank)

   Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

   Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

   ___ Total number of vehicles you own
   ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
   ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
   ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
   ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

   Firearms you own and where you keep them:
   ____ truck
   ____ bedroom
   ____ bathroom
   ____ kitchen
   ____ shed

   Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

   Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
   (_)The National Enquirer
   (_)The Globe
   (_)TV Guide
   (_)Soap Opera Digest

   ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

   How often do you bathe:
   (_)Weekly
   (_)Monthly
   (_)Not Applicable

   Color of teeth:
   (_)Yellow
   (_)Brownish-Yellow
   (_)Brown
   (_)Black
   (_)N/A

   Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
   (_)Red-Man

   How far is your home from a paved road?
   (_)1 mile
   (_)2 miles
   (_)don't know

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 13:17:38 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Political joke of Yesteryear <clean>

Mao sent Khrushchev a cable requesting some shipments of grain.
Krushchev replied  "Supplies tight here too. Tighten belts."  To
which Mao replied "Send belts."

----

Pauly: "Maury, do you hear voices?"

Maury: "Only when they speak to me."

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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 06:31:56 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Harmonica Player

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A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the
States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and
keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the
best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music
books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me
hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night.
I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance,
said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that
harmonica."

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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 07:33:48 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: The Pope on a plane

   A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the
Pope was on the same flight.  "This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
"I've always been a big fan of the Pope.  Perhaps I'll be able to see him in
person."

   Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for
the flight.  Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.  "This is
fantastic," thought the gentleman.  "I'm really good at crosswords.
Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

   Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse
me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with
the letters 'u-n-t?'"

   Only one word leapt to mind.  "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I
can't tell the Pope that.  There must be another word."

   The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.  Turning to the
pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'".

   "Of course," said the Pope.  "Do you have an eraser?"

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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 08:21:33 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Survey Says...

Note: prior permission received to exceed the line limit.
---------------------------------------------------------



In order to reduce the amount of Psycho's that I always
seem to end up dating, I have created this short survey.

Those of you who would like to cut down on the Crazies in
your life should send it to them and see what you get back.


Name? _________________________________

Name of most common alternate personality?? ________________

Financial net worth??
 [  ]  Less than $100
 [  ]  $10,000 - $49,000
 [  ]  $50,000 - $100,000
 [  ]  more than $100,000
<Note: If more than $100,000 go to last question>

Have we ever "Dated" before?   Y[  ]   N[  ]
  ID number?? _____________________
  Password?? ______________________
If YES, Please give MY version of what went wrong...

Are you a felon??   Y[  ]   N[  ]

If clean record, Have you ever killed anyone on purpose...??
     Y[  ]   N[  ]

Do you currently belong to a "Terrorist" group??   Y[  ]   N[  ]

Do you have a death wish?               Y[  ]   N[  ]
    If so, Is it for me??               Y[  ]   N[  ]

Do you wear mens clothes??              Y[  ]   N[  ]

Are you now or ever been a man??        Y[  ]   N[  ]

Do you wish you were a man??            Y[  ]   N[  ]

Top or bottom?? (bunk beds of course)   T[  ]   B[  ]

Do you have a Lawyer on retainer??      Y[  ]   N[  ]

Is any member of your family in Politics above the janitor level??
     Y[  ]   N[  ]

Do you believe in violence BEFORE warning the victim of it??
     Y[  ]   N[  ]

If you belong to "Other" humor lists, is this cheating on me??
     Y[  ]   N[  ]

8, 16, or 24?? choose...   8[  ]   16[  ]   24[  ]

How many Evil Voices do you listen to, regularly? #______

What is your favorite color?? ______________

Do you prefer your men to be...
  [  ]  Submissive
  [  ]  Scared
  [  ]  Terrified
  [  ]  Tied up

Other women are best viewed as...
  [  ]  Competition
  [  ]  Tramps
  [  ]  Punching bags
  [  ]  Sniper Bait

Do you have any of the following special skills??
  [  ]  Stunt Driving
  [  ]  5th degree blackbelt or higher
  [  ]  Bomb making
  [  ]  Poison making
  [  ]  Ability to pass a lie detector

You are best described as...
<Note: This should be close to what you have been called before>
  [  ]  Goddess
  [  ]  Mistress
  [  ]  Normal with a neurotic, compulsive, psychotic, etc... complex.
  [  ]  Psychopath
  [  ]  Bitch

Complete the following sentence.
A 22 cal. pistol is...
  [  ]  for a kickass good time!
  [  ]  a good start, but will need to reload
  [  ]  wimpy, I prefer a .40 S&W
  [  ]  nothing, I prefer a blunt object
  [  ]  Plead the 5th....

Have you read any of the following books?
  [  ]  How To Pass A Drug Test
  [  ]  How To Kill A Man
  [  ]  Poison With A Smile
  [  ]  Assassination Made Easy

Do you carry any financial liabilities, such as...
  [  ]  Never paid taxes?
  [  ]  Owe $20k or more in credit cards?
  [  ]  Owe your parole officer for last month??
  [  ]  Owe local Drug Lord??

Complete the following sentence.
A joke is best if it...
  [  ]  makes others laugh too
  [  ]  is a practical joke
  [  ]  is used to hurt others
  [  ]  is used to CRUSH! an enemy!

Will you believe me when I say "I Love You"??   Y[  ]   N[  ]



I think this will be a good start and allows me to categorize
your special abilities as a potential mate.

*Note: This in no way, shape, or form constitutes a written
or oral contract specifying that you are now or ever have
been selected to be "My Girlfriend". This is written and
legally binding to the effect of needing to file stalker,
harassment, parole violations, or vagrancy charges against
you at any time...

*Thank you for your time and my Psychic Advisor
 will be reviewing this application in due order*


****************************
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course
he will, he will be sure to repent.       - Socrates


______________________________________________________
This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.
_____________________________________________________

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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 07:37:08 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: new nerve<adult>

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

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Date:    Thu, 10 May 2001 17:50:46 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: The Millionaire

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan
of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man
said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked
to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man
wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
$5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan
for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

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