Digest for Monday, May 07, 2001

There are 7 messages totalling 397 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Top Ten Signs A Miss Universe Contestant Is A Man
  2. Growing Old Together
  3. A Quiz
  4. A Redneck Poem
  5. Womens Courses
  6. Redneck Foreplay
  7. whale of a joke


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Date:    Mon, 7 May 2001 06:34:03 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs A Miss Universe Contestant Is A Man

May 04, 2001

10. Instead of plucking her eyebrows, she shaves her back

9.   In interview segment, says the person she admires most is RuPaul

8.   Her talent involves impregnating Miss Brazil

7.   "Reno" isn't her hometown, it's her last name!

6.   Has an endorsement deal with Victor's Secret

5.   When she gets lost on the way to the pageant, she won't stop and ask
directions.

4.   She's simultaneously competing in the Mr. Universe pageant

3.   You've never heard of her country, "Transvestylvania"

2.   When asked about her 5-foot 7-inch frame says, "Forget the 5 feet,
let's talk about the 7 inches."

1.   She's the only one who ain't sleeping with Donald Trump

İMMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 7 May 2001 05:51:20 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Growing Old Together

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I
just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it.  Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Drag the Joneses down to your level.  It's cheaper.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Sun, 6 May 2001 19:12:29 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Quiz

You must do this...It will only take 2 minutes...it's amazing...
and very real...I'm serious...don't cheat...

First, get a pen and paper.

Second, write the numbers one through six.
Next to number 1, write any number...

Next to number 2, write the name of anyone to which you are
really attracted...

Next to 3, write down the first color you can think of...

Next to number 4, write the name of your first pet....

Next to number 5 and 6 write down the name of a family member...


Remember...no cheating.....
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Keep scrolling down........
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Don't cheat, or you'll be upset.......
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Here's the answers....
The number next to number one show how many times you should be
smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that
stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything.

The person named next to number two is someone who will never
sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time
on something like this.

The color you picked means nothing. It's just a friggin' color for
chrissake.

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal.

Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed
to be related to you.

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck
too.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 7 May 2001 06:55:01 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Redneck Poem

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              Redneck Poem

        Susie Lee fell in love.
        She planned to marry Joe.
        She was so happy 'bout it all,
        she told her Pappy so.

        Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
        you'll have to find another.
        I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
        but Joe is yo' half-brother."

        So Susie forgot about her Joe
        and planned to marry Will.
        But, after telling Pappy this,
        he said, "There's trouble still.

        You can't marry Will, my gal,
        and please don't tell yo' mother,
        cause Will and Joe and several mo'
        I know is yo' half-brother."

        But Mama knew and said "Honey Child,
        Do what makes yo' happy.
        Marry Will or marry Joe,
        you ain't no kin to Pappy!"


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Date:    Mon, 7 May 2001 09:29:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Womens Course's

                      SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

 In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff
 has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The
 following courses will be offered:

 General Education:

* GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
* GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
* GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
* GE104: How to Parallel Park
* GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
* GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
* GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera


  Home Economics:

* HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
* HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
* HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
* HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
* HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut
         Credit Cards in Half")
* HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet
         Do You Have, Anyway?")


 Interpersonal Relationships:

* IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
* IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
         Watching Roller Derby
* IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
* IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
* IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal
         Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
* IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly
         called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY
         For!")


 Sex Education:

* SE101a: How to Say "Yes"
* SE101b: How to Say "No" But Mean "Yes"
* SE102:  Sex - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
* SE103:  Who Belongs on Top and Why
* SE104:  Lingerie - The Gift that Keeps On Giving
* SE105:  Sexual Alternatives for "That Time of the Month" (formerly
          titled "Any Old Port in a Storm"

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Date:    Mon, 7 May 2001 09:31:34 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Redneck Foreplay  <adult>

Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell.
Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road.
Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand."
Pa obliged.
A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her.
A little further along, she says."Pa..."
"Dang it, Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the durned cucumbers
and sit on the melons!"
       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Q: What's the difference between a northern girl and a
    southern girl?
A: A northern girl says, "You can," a southern girl says
   "Y'all can."
       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Two sheep farmers are sifting on their front porch having a quiet
drink when one of them notices one of their sheep-dogs busily licking
himself in the lower region.
Without thinking he turns to his mate and states that he wished
that he could do the same.
To this his friend replies, "If you give him a biscuit he jes'
might let you."
       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

        G R I T S
        ---------
Some consider grits as one of the four food groups,
but what grits really are...

* the stuff that makes plumbers rich removing from sewer lines
* the stuff that came before super glue
* what farmers used to shoe horses before nails were invented
* what southerners eat to make 'em tough in case the South
  rises again
* Girls Raised In The South

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
The cowboy got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and
proceeded to get thoroughly shitfaced.
A couple of his pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck
out, turned his horse around, then went back in to join the
hapless cowboy for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in
the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowboy's wife
started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up!
You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this
hungover a thousand times."
"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of
a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way
home with my finger in his damned windpipe!"
       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Q: What is a Hillbilly fortune cookie?
A: A biscuit with a food stamp inside.
       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's
expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know
another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial
lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a
jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began
his testimony.
"I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's
pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the
fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades, and decide to take them
to the police station.
"What if one of 'em explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them
we only found two."
       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

When Bubba finally consented to take his wife Ida Mae to a play, they
had hardly sat down when he jumped up saying, "Ida Mae, let's go!"
With Ida Mae in tow, he went stomping out to the foyer, demanded his
money back, and they left the theater.
Out on the street, Ida Mae said, "Now you tell me what is wrong, Bubba
Leroy Smith and you tell me right now, or I ain't going another step."
Bubba said, "Ida Mae, I ain't no fool and I'm an only child. We done
paid $20 of egg money for this here play and I heard somebody say that
the second act was 20 years later! We ain't got that kinda money to be
wasting on play acting when we don't even know where we will be in 20
years!"


******************
Okay, okay, I love you!  Now can we eat?!

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Date:    Mon, 7 May 2001 07:27:26 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: whale of  a joke <adult>

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as
the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship
to turn over and sink". They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned
over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard
and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that
they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them
and gobble them up before they reach the shore".

The female was reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went
along with you on the blow job, but absolutely refuse to swallow the
seamen!"

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