Digest for Saturday, May 05, 2001

There are 9 messages totalling 417 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Chinese Wisdom
  2. Contractors Agreement for the Ten Plagues (2 of 3)
  3. Dismemberment
  4. Malapropisms
  5. Love Stuck
  6. Making the Grade
  7. Bumper Stickers
  8. A Bostonian visits the Alamo


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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 12:08:31 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Chinese Wisdom <clean, about dead people>

(Purported to be true. Yeah, right.)

A British journalist interviewed Chairman Mao and asked him what,
in his opinion, might have happened if, instead of President
Kennedy, Kruschev had been assassinated.  Mao reflected a while,
then replied, "It's hard to tell.  But, I don't suppose Mr. Onassis
would have married Mrs. Krushchev."

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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 06:53:22 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Contractor's Agreement for the Ten Plagues (2 of 3)

        (Part Two)

From: Quetzalcoatl Trading
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.

Dear Mr. Truelove,

I wish you could have given us more notice. There's been a run on our blood
supplies recently - it'll be a relief when someone invents refrigeration so
we can stockpile greater quantities. Our blood donors are working round the
clock to meet your order but, this being the famine season, I'm not sure we
can obtain enough to fill a whole major river system within the time
available.

Yours sincerely,

Kevin Montezuma, Gore Merchant

**

From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: Nordic Pantheons AG

Thor,

Of *course* Egypt is in the desert, you idiot - I thought everybody knew
that! Look, I need that plague of hail two weeks on Thursday, so don't give
me a lot of doubletalk about climate patterns. Just do it!

Manny

**

From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts

Dear God Almighty,

Just to update you on progress. Our subcontractors working on blood, frogs,
livestock, and death of the firstborn are all on schedule for completion
Passover next. There was a slight communications breakdown re: hail, which I
have personally sorted out. With respect to darkness, our subcontractor has
come up with an interesting proposal. How do you feel about sunglasses for
everyone?

My own firm is taking care of all the insects. We've got seven separate
swarms of locusts loaded up in transports ready for delivery. The gnats are
also all set and, as for the flies - you'll love this - we've picked
mayflies! We think these will make the ideal plague: Not only do they look
good, but it's all over and done with in a day, so there's no messy
aftermath. We've got 200 hundredweight of pupae all timed to metamorphose
into adults on the exact date of the deadline, no extra charge!

Speaking of costs, our boils subcontractor informs me she cannot supply a
sufficient number of individuals with pus-filled sores to spread a plague
within the budget allocated. Apparently, a recent upsurge in hygiene has
driven up prices. Would zits be a suitable low-cost substitute for boils?
There's never any shortage of spotty pubescents and, as we all know, if you
pick at zits they spread like wildfire.

Yours sincerely,

Manny Truelove

**

From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd.
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.

My dear Manny,

Disaster! It's those damn French farmers again! The minute our trucks
disembarked at Calais, they were surrounded and set alight. Risk of BSE, the
scoundrels claimed. Hah! Their filthy cheese isn't even pasteurised, so who
are they to point the finger?

The upshot is, we have several tons of charcoal-broiled beef, pork, and
mutton. I don't suppose you can do anything with these? Only three hens
escaped the carnage. Because of their nationality, I expect; they're French.
I'll send them over to you.

Yours in sorrow,

Antonius

**

From: Arthur Hades, Hades Enterprises
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.

*Firstborn*? I thought you said *frogspawn*! I've had my infernal minions
out for weeks obliterating all the frog's eggs they could find. In future,
kindly make yourself clear, dammit!

A.H.

**

From: Belial Biotechnology
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.

Manny,

Sorry, no success in getting the ornamental horned toads to breed. I guess
if my partner looked like that, I'd be reluctant too. As we've now reached
the deadline, I'm sending them over to you. Try spiking their food dispenser
with Viagra or something.

Good luck,

Alexandra

        (End of Part Two)

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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 06:42:35 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Dismemberment

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A man spent the evening in a Japanese house of ill-repute and contracts
a strange disease, causing his member to display colors ranging from
red, to green, to purple and several other hues. In a state of panick,
he contacts his family doctor, and is informed that his member must be
amputated immediately. After two or three opinions from other family
practitioners, he decides to try a Japanese doctor. A Japanese
prostitute, probably a Japanese disease... why not a Japanese doctor?

After finding a suitable physician in the Yellow Pages, he visits the
Japanese doctor's office, knocks on the fringe, and hesitantly
approaches the medical man.

"What can I do for you?" asks the doctor.

"Look at this..." replies the man, and drops his undies, revealing his
sickly little friend.

"Not for too long...", replies the doctor, "What happened?"

The man explains the circumstances, then asks the doctor, "Will you have
to amputate?"

"No" replied the doctor, and he explained to the relieved man, "two..
three days.. that thing gonna fall off all by itself."


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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 09:36:53 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Malapropisms

(For those who might not know, a malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one
word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)

Here are a few:

- He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
- It was a case of love at Versailles.
- He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
- In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
- My sister has extra-century perception.
- A fool and his money are some party.
- All's fear in love and war.
- Nip it in the butt.
- Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
- To each his zone.
- Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
- No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.
- It's a long road to hold.
- All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 10:30:48 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Love Stuck

 It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their
 first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his
 mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut
 flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the
 stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down,
 except the  newlyweds.

 After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I
 wonder why they never came down to eat?" The groom's young brother said,
 "Mommy, I think..."
 "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not
  wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

 At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again
 called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called
 again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was
 cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came
 down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak but mother
 immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the
 meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all
 day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
 "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily. "I
  think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night,
  he got my model airplane glue instead!"

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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 08:57:14 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Making the Grade

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.  She
glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze.  "Anything???"

"Yes,... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...... study???"

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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 07:33:58 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

 There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
 apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
 in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
           English muffins were not invented in England
 nor French fries in France.
           Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
 which aren't sweet, are meat.
      We take English for granted. But if we
 explore its
 paradoxes,
           we find that quicksand can work slowly,
 boxing rings are
 square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
           And why is it that writers write, but
 fingers don't fing,
           grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
           If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
 the plural of
 booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
      Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2
 mice. One
 louse,
      2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
 If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
           If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
 humanitarian
           eat?
 Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
           Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?
 Have noses
           that run and feet that smell?  Park on
 driveways and drive
           on parkways?
           How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
 the same, while a
           wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
           How can the weather be hot as heck one day
 and cold as
           heck another? When a house burns up, it
 burns down.  You
 fill
           in a form by filling it out and an alarm
 clock goes off by
           going on.  You get in and out of a car, yet
 you get on and
           off a bus.  When the stars are out, they are
 visible, but
 when
      the lights are out, they are invisible.
           And why, when I wind up my watch, I start
it, but when I
           wind up this essay, I end it?
    English is a silly language ...It doesn't
 know if it is coming or going!!!

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Date:    Sat, 5 May 2001 17:14:50 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Bumper Stickers

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS

1.  SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2.  GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3.  IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4.  MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5.  PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,  SEEKS FROG.

6.  COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7.  DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8.  IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9.  DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE . . .WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Even if I understood women, I doubt that I'd believe it

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Sun, 6 May 2001 00:08:51 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Bostonian visits the Alamo

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A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales
about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you
never had anyone so brave around Boston."

"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.

"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Wasn't he the guy
who ran for help?"

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