Digest for Friday, May 04, 2001

There are 11 messages totalling 725 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Jokes
  2. Metric Cliches
  3. Sexual Lines from Star Wars.....
  4. On The Medical Front
  5. The Rules For Life
  6. A Dogs Diary
  7. Birthday Drink
  8. The Recital
  9. Contractors Agreement for the Ten Plagues (1 of 3)
  10. Some Things You Just Cant Explain (Adult joke from Iceland)
  11. Puns of the Weak 5/4/01


Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 05:29:28 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Jokes

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy,
today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with
your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."


A first grade class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.  The first little boy
called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was
missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom  fainted, and the man next door
shot himself."


The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a
young boy.  He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise
learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real
simple.  Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.
Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even,  don't open
the hatch."

-=} Randall {=-   When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 06:39:21 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Metric Cliches

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would
greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen
to our old cliches...

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

Obviously there will be more on this important issue still to


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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 07:00:07 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Sexual Lines from Star Wars.....

          Star Wars Day - May the 4th....Be With You

       Top 10 sexually tilted lines from Star Wars:
 1.  She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid.
 2.  Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough.
 3.  Look at the size of that thing!
 4.  Sorry about the mess...
 5.  You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!
 6.  Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper.
 7.  You've got something jammed in here real good.
 8.  Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
 9.  Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
 10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!

   Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from the Empire Strikes Back
 1.  And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
 2.  Possible he came through the south entrance.
 3.  I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
     like that huh kid.
 4.  Hurry up, Golden-rod!
 5.  That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual for a while.
 6.  But now we must eat. Come, good food, Come...
 7.  Control, control. You must learn control!
 8.  There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
 9.  Size matters not, judge me by my size do you?
 10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.

       Top 10 sexually tilted lines from Return of the Jedi
 1.  Rise, my friend.
 2.  Open the back door.
 3.  Hey, point that thing somewhere else.
 4.  Its just a dead animal.
 5.  Not bad for a little furball.
 6.  Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat.
 7.  How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming.
 8.  Keep on that one, I'll take these two.
 9.  I want you to take her. I mean it, take her.
 10. I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they made her


           I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 07:57:12 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: On The Medical Front

              NEW MEDICATIONS

Prestidigitalis:  a cure-all..works like magic!

Sexcedrin:  what to give someone who says,
           "Not tonight, dear; I have a headache."

Ropadopamine:  retards brain damage from blows
               to the head.

Histalavista:  say bye-bye to those allergies.

Milk of Amnesia:  for the new mother to help
                  forget birth trauma.

Non-interferon:  black-market drug often slipped
                 to unsuspecting in-laws.

Testosteroni:  a hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

Aesthetominophen:  You don't feel any better,
                   but you look fabulous.

Mazeltoff:  Won't cure anything, but you may win
            the lottery.

Silliconia:  A cream imported from Romania
             to increase breast size.


       Mental Disease Of The Month Club

Announcement: the mental-disease-of-the-month club
is being disbanded immediately.  The reasons being:

1.During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times
  its budget on refreshments.

2.During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings
  were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was
  already spent and gone.

3.During megalomania month, the club organization broke
  down due to having sixteen claimants to being the Club
  President, etc.

4.During multiple personality month, our club roster
  roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues.

5.During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped
  to zero as each member changed his or her mailing
  address and left no forwarding address for the club.

You members were obviously out to ruin us; it's all
clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings
to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last
   Clinical depression. Have a nice day.

I stopped taking tranquilizers... I was starting
to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 06:51:12 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: The Rules For Life

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be
overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are
never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to
pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as
an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is
the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It
will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important
you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or
absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to
increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect
on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything
except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you
always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts
out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out
soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most
consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most
inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible
ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you
will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on
the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the
grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the
wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's
day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you
will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet
the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will
be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though
they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get
someplace else.

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 09:20:18 -0400
From:    Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: A Dog's Diary

A Dog's Diary
Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com

==> Please do not remove the copyright when you forward this essay!<==

5:30am:  Started the day as a hero!  When the sound of the newspaper
hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact
indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one
in the house was yet awake!  I roused my master by licking him in the face.
 He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and
waving his arms.  His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is
silly since it is I who saved him from being fired.  Funny thing though:
He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large
newspaper and drinking coffee.  He seems to do this once a week, and I
don't know why.

7:30am:  Invaders!  The people who live next door came out into their yard,
obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house.  Snarling and barking, I
let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from
limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion.
This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn.  My master
added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily.  I am sure the people
couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am:  I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying
had, for some reason, slid over a few feet.  It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm:  I have the most thoughtful master in the world!  While it's true
he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for
me on the kitchen counter.  It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish
he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth.  The
roast was delicious, though frozen in the center.  I don't want to seem
ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my
idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm:  Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was
furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my
present.  He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other
debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.  I'm sorry, but he should
know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset.  When he began
rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the
front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm:  Spent the afternoon with the girls.  A most productive day; I was
able to mark territory for two blocks.  "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto.
We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread
served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids.  Ran into
that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance --
does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty
schnauzer from down the road?  Last month there wasn't a male in the
neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at
the head of the pack.  I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm:  What a treat!  On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention
to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile.  After several days
in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver.  I rolled in
the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I
positively radiated eau de roadkill.  Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he
doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm:  Of all the times to get a bath!  My master, still in a foul mood,
made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me
several times.  Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became
drenched, and in the end he was shivering.  Why in the world does he do
stuff like this?

9:00pm:  Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever
anyone's home.  Ah, the life of a dog.

Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com
For reprint permission, including web sites, please write me at

This newsletter may be distributed freely via e-mail but you MUST include
the following subscription and copyright information:

The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2001
To subscribe, send a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe
cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.

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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 07:49:14 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Birthday Drink

    A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a
    scotch and two drops of water.
    As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today
    and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday".
    The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a
    fact I'll take care of this one for you."
    As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I
    buy you a drink too."
    The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two
    drops of water."
    "Alright" says the bartender.
    As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only
    one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well
    buy you one too."
    The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of
    "Comin' right up" the bartender says.
    As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why
    the scotch and only two drops of water?"
    The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can
    hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 17:17:10 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Recital

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
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A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the
States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and
keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the
best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me
hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night.
I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance,
said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that


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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 22:06:23 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Contractor's Agreement for the Ten Plagues (1 of 3)

From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts

Dear Supreme Being,

Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract. As agreed,
the following pestilences will be delivered to you for inflicting on the
land of Egypt by Passover next:

1. Blood
2. Frogs
3. Gnats
4. Flies
5. Livestock
6. Boils
7. Hail
8. Locusts
9. Darkness
10. Death of the firstborn

To maximize efficiency of resource utilization, we will be engaging a number
of reputable subcontractors to carry out some of the work. We will ensure
that all this falls within the proposed budget, of course.

Yours sincerely,

Manny Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles


From: Sun Macrocosms
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.

Dear Sir or Madam,

We require clarification of your order for a plague of darkness. It already
gets dark every night. There is no charge for this - it is part of the
government contract.

If you need darkness at some other time, please specify the hours. A sheet
of our charges is attached.

Yours faithfully,

Fred Apollo, Solar Engineer


From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd.
To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.

My dear Truelove,

The trucks are ready to roll! They are loaded with herds of the finest
British beef cattle, sheep, goats, pigs, and assorted poultry. I believe we
can confidently assure you of a livestock plague that will be remembered for
years to come!

Best wishes,

Antonius Blair
"Buy British!"


From: Belial Biotechnology
To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.


There's a slight snag on the frog-delivery front - somebody's destroyed all
the frog's eggs in the ponds for miles around. Vandals I suspect, or perhaps

Fortunately, we do have a couple of ornamental horned toads in stock, and
are at this moment encouraging them to breed. Ornamental horned toads have,
proportionate to their body weight, the largest mouths on the planet, so
they ought to make for a pretty scary plague, don't you think?


Alexandra Kelly, Amphibious Supplies Manager


From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: F. Apollo, Sun Macrocosms

Dear Mr. Apollo,

The client has an absolute requirement for a period of darkness of not less
than 72 hours. As we are working to a strict budget, we cannot afford a full
eclipse for that length of time at the price given on your charge sheet. I
should be grateful if you could suggest a more economical alternative.

Manny thanks,

M. Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles

        (End of Part One)

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 22:22:05 -0400
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Some Things You Just Can't Explain (Adult joke from Iceland)

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on
this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer:  Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking
her.  Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her  left leg and
kicked it over.

Man:  That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So then what happened?

Farmer:  I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with
some rope.  Then I sat down and  continued to milk her.   Just as I
got the bucket about full she took her right leg and  kicked it over.

Man:  Again? So, what did you do then?

Farmer:  I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man:  And then what?

Farmer:  I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got
the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the  bucket
with her tail. Man:  Wow, you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer:  Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter.  At that moment, my pants fell down
and my wife walked in.

Some Things You Just Can't Explain.

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 21:38:25 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 5/4/01

•If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting
in one take so long? (Lee Daniel Quinn)
•I took my son to TGIFriday’s for his twenty-first birthday. At the
stroke of midnight, the bartender came over suggested he order a
Margarita. I told my son to take it with a grain of salt. (Stan Kegel)
•A steady income will help you keep your balance. (Jumble)
•Californians are not without their faults. (Leonard Roy Frank)
•When thimbles were invented, many people got stuck without one. (Bob Weaver)
•Hannibal Lector is seeing someone new.  She says she hates talking to
him when he is nauseated because he keeps bringing up old girlfriends.
•Nuisance: “Mom was complaining that she hadn't had anything nuisance
she was married.”  (Syman Hirsch)
•There's still "incurable romantics". We need better antibiotics. (Doug Aiken)
•Show me a musical gang of beggars and I'll show you a ragtime band.
•A guy swallowed a spoon and found he couldn't stir.  (Pun of the Day)
•Deceitful: Infant who needs changing (John Fenn)
•When taking his sheep to market a herder fears getting fleeced. (Jumble)
•"Get me off this horse!"  Tom derided woefully.(Richard Lederer)
•I lost some face today when I picked my nose. (Scot Nelson)
•Indifferent:  An unusual hotel. (Keith Nance)
•"Get out of here! This isn't your house." "That's okay. I'm not myself
tonight."  (Terry Galan)
•A good thing for a tired witch to do is to rest a spell. (Jumble)
•Sign in an Egyptian funeral parlor: Satisfaction guaranteed, or your
mummy back (Apiarst).
•Omelette: "I should punch you daid in yo eye fo what you jus sade, but
Omelette dis one slide."  (Terry Galan)
•"I have no underwear," Tom said expansively.  (Archives)
•A hermit drove to town and was charged with recluse driving.
•Paying for a gourmet dinner can be hard to swallow.  (Jumble)
•Organ recital: A group of women discussing their operations (Stan Kegel)
•Composer who was frequently asked about his cigarette habit:
Rimsky-'Course I Cough (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "Sorry, only one carrion allowed per
passenger." (Paul Benoit)
•Did you hear about the Billiard ball manufacturer that was snookered
that It's creditors had to form a cue (Dave Coble)
•I decided to call my dog "Cigarette" because every evening I would take
him out for a drag. (Paul Croft)
•"We will change the genders of the indigenous population," he said
alternatively. (Lew Stewart)
•He knows not the value of flowers who never botany? (Geneva Friedman)
•Toucan: Two-Seater Outhouse (Ray Hand)
•I knew of a bar owner who refused to serve Marines. He was rotten to
the corps. (Asa Sparks)
•I’ve been to a debutante ball where all the girls were wearing low-cut
gowns. Its clear why they are called coming out parties. (Martin Fenton)
•Walking on water is no easy feet. (Anthony Cacchillo)
•In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be
Light!"  And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it! (Dogbyte)
•Despise: Underground agents (Chuck Markman)
•"I plan to work in a cemetery,"  Tom plotted gravely.(Richard Lederer).
•What do dieting epileptics order for lunch? Seizure Salad (Gary Hallock)
•What do you call the owner of a dairy in Arabia? A Milk Sheikh (Arun Baindur)
•When a doctor got a bad cut the nurse said, 'suture self'  (Pun of the Day)
•The math student couldn’t fool the instructor because he had his number
• Sign on the gate at the cattle ranch "Bull calves, $5 each. Nose rings
attached"  (Gary Hallock)
•Swish: A guy with delusions of gender (Robert Meyers)
•"Crazy" is a relative term in my family. (Doug Aiken)
•A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves. The mama skunk said to
her babies, "Let us spray." (Heidi at the Rave)
•Potash:  All that's left after you smoke the joint.  (Keith Martin)
•A woman likes a man best when he has a will of his own ... made out in
her name.(Renee from Napa)
•I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! (Terry Galan)
•Polyunsaturated:  A dry bird. (Lexicon)
•Why is a fellow who's spent his last dime like a pre-pubescent girl?
Both are flat busted (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Baseball players sometimes have sign-us trouble. (Pun of the Day)
•The transmission man was fired because he was too shifty.  (Jumble)
•"Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all
you think about?" (The Pun Page)
•On this day in 1948 The first woman was sworn into the Navy. She became
a permanent WAVE. (Daryl Stout)
•Two cows standing next to each other in the field. Daisy says to Dolly,
“I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,”
said Dolly. “It’s true, straight up no bull.” (Norm Gilbert)
•Primate : The sultan's favorite wife (Gunther Saraf)
•Those who make magnets can be quite attractive. (Mike Bull)
•He was wearing a cowboy’s footwear stuck in his ear. It was a
boutonniere. (Gary Roma)
•Workmen with special hats have super-visors. (William Rayborn)
•Here’s champagne for our real friends and real pain for our sham
friends. (Anon.)
•Diplomacy: Lying in state. (Geoff Tibballs)
•"Ways To Row Your Boat" by Meryl Lee (Bill Purcell)
•Use expose in a sentence: Expose lose to Mets 5-2. (MacNelly Prod.)
•"My giant sea creature died,"  Tom wailed blubberingly..(Richard Lederer)
•How did the boss handle the heavy workload? He managed.  (Jumble)
•If electricity comes from electrons, then morality must come from
morons. (Irene A. Mystery)
•Housebroken: How you feel after paying too much for your home (Izzy Cohen)
•"Another work week begins," said Tom mundanely..(Archives)
•A small French cake filled with bird meat is known as e'clair du loon.
•There's a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which
follows two rainy days. It's called a "Monday." (Lee Daniel Quinn)
•My daughter the math major just turned 21.  Now she can *legally* drink
and derive. (Don Fearn)
•Gruesome: Got larger (Leonard Fechtner)
•Why doesn’t it cost much to feed a horse? Because a horse its best when
it doesn’t have a bit in its mouth. (Victor)
•I grew up with six brothers.  That's how I learned to dance - waiting
for the bathroom. (Bob Hope)
•Millipede: Mildred used the little girl’s room (Brandy Brandon)
•"You're a mangy cur,"  Tom barked doggedly. (Richard Lederer).

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