Digest for Thursday, May 03, 2001

There are 8 messages totalling 384 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Anniversary
  2. This Weeks Horoscopes
  3. More on Economics
  4. Savannah Says . . .
  5. The Ballerina + 1
  6. Weird Business News #36 (3rd of 3)
  7. Its All In The Pronunciation
  8. An elderly couple


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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 05:27:43 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Anniversary

Ginger and Mikey are about to celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary.
Mikey decides to do something special for his wife, so he gets up early to
make her breakfast in bed.

When Ginger wakes up, she is totally surprised, and says, "Oh Mikey!  I
never expected this."

Mikey tells her that there is another surprise, but for that she must wear a
blindfold.

Now, the woman is blindfolded, and Mikey leads her away.

Twelve hours later, Mikey tells Ginger to take off the blindfold.

She takes it off, and she is totally stunned, and very excited, and she
shouts,  "Oh Mike... !!!!  We are in Paris, aren't we???!!!

This is the best gift you could have ever given me.  What can I expect when
we have our 40th anniversary?"

"Well, that's quite simple,"  Mikey answers.  "That's when I come back to
pick you up."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   The older I get, the better I was.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 06:49:51 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
from www.TheOnion.com

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems.  Fortunately, you'll
encounter only huge disasters this week.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any
general.  That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that.  But try to remember
that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand.  But since
you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some
other source, Mr. Stinky.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined
life is quite worth living.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do.  Try to figure
out a way not to do these things.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much.  It's what
you love that gets you brought up on charges.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses.
There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up
here.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part
about the temperature being 98.6, the metaphor breaks down.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your
behavior in your last life.  Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering
bastard.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true.
There's no such thing as a "John Updike."

 Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 13:12:23 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: More on Economics <off. to whom? Guess...>

Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel
Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing.

---------

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about
the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to
use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

-------

Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more
dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!

Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing
more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional
economist."

--------

Practice economy at ANY cost.

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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 07:40:37 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Savannah Says . . .  <adult advice>

Thoughtful answers to reader letters about Love, Sex, Romance....
                  -------------------------
Writer, scholar, and more-than-occasional tippler Savannah Lawless is the
celebrated author of the New York Times best-selling book "Slap and Tickle:
Bringing Romance Back into Your Bedroom".
Her syndicated advice column, Savannah Says, is carried in 823 papers
worldwide. Technically, Savannah has been married eight times, but she
usually doesn't count the man she married three times or the marriage
that was annulled after two weeks, so in her opinion she's only been
married five times. You could say no one is better qualified to dispense
relationship advice than Savannah!

Elizabeth Hanes is Savannah's erstwhile personal secretary, companion (no,
not that kind!), and webmistress. When she's not cleaning up the mess left
over from one of Savannah's legendary parties, booking travel arrangements,
or hiding the key to the liquor cabinet (again), she manages to squeeze in
time to contribute articles to Happy Woman magazine. In short, Elizabeth
is superwoman.

Miss Lawless and Miss Hanes reside on a sprawling ranch in New Mexico, far
enough away from Santa Fe not to be rarified but close enough to be hip.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Dear Savannah,

I am a 28 year old, onetime reasonably attractive single male. A couple of
years ago I was living with a wonderfully attractive professional woman
who treated me well and didn't cheat on me as far as I know. I had two
university degrees and excellent career prospects but one night I got too
drunk and decided to move to the jungle in South America. I have since
become an alcoholic and probably addicted to cocaine (although I have
never tried to stop long enough to find out). I have lost all my
possessions, my girlfriend (well, all my friends really), and my passport
runs out in one month. I think I have hit bottom, and now I would like
to return to Canada and enter the dating market again.

I have several rather severe looking scars on my face that never really
healed very well and have become nearly blind from drinking 180 proof
cane alcohol. Do women really care about these things or will they be
sensitive enough to see past this? If I go out on a date and they ask me
what I have been doing for the last while should I just lie and tell them
that I have been working for Microsoft or should I be honest and tell
them about the gun-running, the whores, and the drugs?

I would like to find a caring, intellectual woman who is financially
secure and a knock-out in a bikini and won't criticize me for excessive
drinking and verbal abuse. I am a little nervous about dating again
because in all of my dates lately the conversation never really got past
disputes over the price and what 'the complete service' includes. Any
advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
                              - Drugged-out and lonely in S. America

A. Savannah Says:

By any chance have you run across a tall, skinny, extremely pale man who
sometimes goes by the name of "Ulaav"? As I understand it, he's living
in your country, so I thought maybe you knew him. I figure he might want
to know that last weekend his beautiful vacation cabin in Breckenridge
mysteriously exploded in a ball of flames visible for over 2 miles. How
freakish. The officials who phoned me said they think perhaps a propane
gas line developed a leak. I'm just glad I had not taken advantage of
the spare key and instead was here at my New Mexico ranch thoughtfully
composing advice columns the whole time, as witnessed by a number of
friends, acquaintances, and groupies who stopped by to chat and offer
me gifts of patchouli incense and bottles of boutique gin to ease my
broken heart.
It's good to have friends.

Now then, Drugged. I don't understand why you're so insecure about
approaching women. You sound like a terrific catch, to me!
All that time living in the jungle near the equator must have left your
body lean, hard and tanned. Think in terms of "enhancement." A shower,
a haircut, a shave, a dip in a vat of de-louser - all of these things
will help you showcase your hot bod. Next, get a job on a cruise ship.
Make your way to the Bahamas and search out the mighty vessel "Trochee,"
part of the Circus of the Stars Cruise Lines. They're less finicky
about such things as "credentials." Secure a position as masseur,
bartender, purser, anything. It really doesn't matter. All that matters
is you'll be in close proximity to desperate women with money.

The only thing that remains is to tell your story, alternating between
the romantic (running off on a whim to live in the jungle) and the pitiful
(becoming an addict and drunkard). Women just love men who need them,
especially hunky, tanned ones with a mysterious and potentially explosive
side. Danger really turns women on. Plus, since they're all going home
within two weeks, you have nothing to fear from commitment. Perfect, no?

Now about this "cane alcohol." Would it work well in a martini?

           (c)2001 Elizabeth Hanes. All Rights Reserved.
                 http://www.savannahsays.com/


************************
Love is like a booger... You keep picking at it
until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 12:24:56 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: The Ballerina + 1 <adults only>

Thanks to my friend at UW-EC.

------------
A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She
raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to
all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will
buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of
the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk.
Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said,

"Give dat ballerina a drink!"

Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the
drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and
pointed around at all of them, revealing her left hairy armpit, and
asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give
dat ballerina annudder drink!"

Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux mah
fren', I know it's your bidness of course if you want to buy dat lady
a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a ballerina?"
Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux....to me, any woman who can lift her leg
dat high got to be a Ballerina!"

----------------

A big, fat woman, well over 250 pounds, wearing a tank top with last
night's pizza stains still on it, Daisy Duke shorts with a big hole in the
rear, barefoot except for one flip flop that still had residue from her
last trip to the sty to slop the hogs, hair that hadn't been washed all
week matted to her head, was in the Holiday Inn bar at happy hour, just
chugging entire pitchers of beer, one after the other.  She had just
finished her fifth pitcher when she proclaimed to the entire room: "Any
man can guess my weight, I'll let him go to bed with me."  Boudreaux
wasn't quite so tipsy and decided to have some fun: "Well, Darlin', I'd
say you weight 'bout hunn'erd-'n'-twenty pound."

"CLOSE ENOUGH!" said the woman, "Let's go!

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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 12:23:16 -0300
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #36 (3rd of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  The Sorry I Missed It Award to the American Association of
Endodontists, who held their annual meeting recently in New Orleans.
These are the people who do root canals.

  The No Robots Here Award to Rod Stewart, who has embarked on his
Human Tour 2001, which includes Houston.

  Weird Business Names:

  Zen Research Plc, a British developer of technology for digital
video disk and CD-ROM players.

  Wowow Inc., Japan's biggest pay-television broadcaster.

  Remember, you heard it here. The world's largest traveling peanut --
33 feet tall -- is touring the country touting goobers. Sponsored by
the National Peanut Board, the giant nut actually has a steel
skeleton covered by foam.

  The Wooden Blockhead Award to the Detroit Institute of Arts, which
recently welcomed the television puppet Howdy Doody to its collection.

  Twinkies, the snack food full of calories and not much else, is 71
years old. Pig out!

  And it seems 37 percent of American pet owners talk to their pets,
either on the phone or via an answering machine. So that's what the
guy who almost ran over me this morning was doing on his cell phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Thu, 3 May 2001 21:27:37 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: It's All In The Pronunciation

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his
honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with
Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years!
How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most
looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer ... and
no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I
believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

[Thanks to Bob Stebbins]


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 4 May 2001 00:03:49 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An elderly couple

An eighty-three year old woman finished her annual
physical examination, whereupon her doctor said, "You
are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute; I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She went out to the reception room and said, "Morris,
do we still have intercourse?"

Morris answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I
told you a thousand times. We have Blue Cross."

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